SANTA’S FACTORY, North Pole (Agencies) – An Imperial Stormtrooper commando
broke into Santa’s Factory on the North Pole yesterday evening, killing
an undetermined number of elves, arresting the owner and confiscating
his sled. Joe Kwazansky, local spokesman for the Evil Galactic Empire
in Los Angeles, appeared in a press conference this morning confirming
the rumors of an Imperial takeover of Christmas’ celebrations.
“The Emperor wants to assure His subjects that Xmas will continue as
planned. The pug-nosed fatso, however, will pay for his crimes,”
Mr.Kwazansky said amid the palpable shock in the press corps.
Apparently, the arrest has occurred in connection with earlier reports
on the manufacturing and stealth placement of Weapons of Mass Destruction:
Answering questions about the causes of this assault and Santa Claus’ detention,
Mr. Kwazansky pointed out that Imperial Intelligence had undeniable proof
of Santa’s production of WMDs at his factory located near the North Pole.
“He is also a perv, you know,” he added, “a guy who goes around his house clad
in red velvet and has underaged boys assisting him all day long.
Illegal sex? Forced labor? You gotta be kidding. We have the patent on forced labor too.
Ask the wookies.”
Later in the press conference, Mr. Kwazansky, 48 years old and still
living with his parents, revealed that Santa may have been stealing
industrial secrets from Imperial-exclusive defense contractor Sienar
Fleet Systems. “And what’s with the bloody flying reindeers anyway?”
he said, “how the Force do they fly? I bet they have Twin Ion Engines up
their butts. That’s classified technology, people. Fatso is finishing
his days in the Great Pit of Carkoon, I tell you.” The spokesperson
left the stage laughing maniacally, muttering something about how Santa
was going to suffer for all those years of coal back at the Imperial
Commenting on the strike, UN’s North Pole representative Kalle
Jugercømmandersson said that “we don’t understand this act of
unprovoked agression. The North Pole has been weapons-free since 1959,
when Timmy the Polar Bear was killed by a drunk seal using a 38.” Then,
he started sobbing, crying “and we are not little boys! We are little
grown men!” out loud.
Lord Darth Vader was unavailable to comment at the time of this report.