" One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house.
I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down."
I finally figured out what ‘Delta’ stands for:
Don’t Expect Legroom on This Airline.
While sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei,
the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat
on the next flight in exchange for their seat
on this flight."
After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.
Air Traffic Controllers
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airliners and control towers
from around the world: The controller, working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind
to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained,
"Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "
Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed
just a little too high.
San Jose Tower:
"American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able.
If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right
at the light to returnto the airport.
Unknown Aircraft: "I’m f***ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"
– Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
(124.7 would be the radio frequency for Departure Control).
– Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure … by the way, after we lifted off,
we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
– Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7;
did you copy the report from Eastern?"
– Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff Roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers."
O’Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got that Fokker in my sights.
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes I have, Ground – in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn’t stop."
You Know It’s a "No Frills" Airline When…
Submitted by Cicec
* They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
* All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
* Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
* You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
* Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
* The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
* When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
* The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
* You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
* No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
* You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
* All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were
seated waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get
underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the
plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into
passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle and the copilot
is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start
revving and the airplane moves down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardess for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has 20 feet of runway left, there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once,
and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborn.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!"